LOSTNESS OF MOVING

 I have experienced the ‘lostness’ that comes from moving more than once. In moving it seems that I leave my entire past and self-identity behind and become anonymous! One kind of ‘lostness’ is having no 'work' outside of getting settled in a new home. Another is having no colleagues with whom to mingle and exchange ideas.

We had spent 18 years as a part of the Institute of Cultural Affairs (ICA) staff. The last 4 years were in Memphis, TN, and we had become quite rooted. It was September and we were assigned to do village development in Kenya and were closing the Memphis Office/House. So we got all of the personal contents in the building ready for sale. We also started through our belongings. It’s amazing how much ‘junk’ one can accumulate in 4 years. It’s even more amazing how much of it you think you have to have to be a human being. We finally saved a small wardrobe that we could start with when we returned to the US. It was a move of symbolic detachment for me. It may have been even more so for Lin because she was leaving a job that she had worked at for 4 years. That was the longest in her career, and it was one she loved. The move also provided us with new ways to take care of ourselves. We had not celebrated our 25^th wedding anniversary when it came up in June because Lin was in Wichita, KS, and I was in Chicago. We went to Barbados for a week—a trip provided by Lin’s travel points, and celebrated before we went to Kenya.

Kenya was a time when I returned to the village--to the world of local decisions and action. There is a freedom of action that comes in locality. I was delighted with the land, the weather, the people and village life. Life was simple when you had to walk 10 kilometers to the nearest mailbox or telephone, when the sun rose at 6 AM and set at 6 PM every day.

I was always affirmed in or by Kenya. I cannot tell whether it was because of my age—that I was a Mzee (elder); or my color—that every white person must have something important to say or do. In any case I seemed to be able to make things happen. I recruited 7 people to the Village Leaders Training Conference. I set up the Water Tank Village Leaders Conference, designed the curriculum for it, and worked through the practical details of getting the first Water Tank built. I facilitated the next 8 water tanks being built, and in the process, trained 3 Kenyans on our staff to take charge of the program.

When it came to developing resources I got 15,000 Kenyan Shillings (Ksh) from Leyland Co. In the past they had only given us used lumber. This time they gave money. In addition I got 5 of our Kenyan staff hired at Leyland. I also got 20,000 Ksh from Caltex. It was the first major gift they had given ICA. I set up the Development follow-up database on the computer and got the Kenyan staff started on learning to use the computer. Then it was time to leave.

We departed Kenya and left the work we were doing to help villages become self-sufficient. Lin’s father was diagnosed with a brain tumor so she left for Iowa. When I came to a stopping point I decided to return to Iowa to join her. But my heart was in two places: I wanted to continue to see the Kenyans succeed, and I wanted to be with Lin. We made the decision to leave the staff of the ICA. That was a huge transition. We left a set of colleagues with whom we had lived and worked closely for 20 years, singing every day, to establish our own home in Iowa City, IA and be by ourselves.

Iowa City was the place where we met and matriculated from the University (SUI). It gave Lin the opportunity to be close enough to be present to her father in his last days, be employed as an RN again, and pursue a Masters Degree in Nursing.

I began to search for employment. I didn’t know how to answer questions being asked during the interviews. They invariably asked about job history. When they asked, “Why are you doing what you’re doing now: i.e., why have you left the ICA? What do you plan to do now? Why do you want to work for me?” I had no satisfactory answers. In a moment of insight it occurred to me that I was back where I was when I left college 25 years ago; without direction or focus about what I would like to do with my life. To top it off I found that there were many PhDs in Iowa City that could only find employment being bus drivers! In addition we had entered the world of equal opportunity employment.

I finally decided to return home, a move to Western Iowa where my parents lived. By the time a year was over there, I journaled: I am disappointed with my life:

• I have no solid employment
• I have no school teaching prospects
• I have no confidence to start a profit-center on the farm
• I am super-sensitive to criticism
• I failed to get family interest in a long-range strategy for farm management
• I failed to build a long-range strategy myself
• I have quit making suggestions for Dad to shoot down
• I have failed to be able to package and market my skills
• I cannot identify my vocational focus or passion

But here I was in a rural, conservative area and I was determined to make a ‘go’ of it. Lin would be graduating with an MS in Nursing and coming to join me. As I reflect on it I realize that it took awhile to establish an identity in Western Iowa, and I succeeded in doing so by doing the following:

• Getting a Commercial Driver’s License (CDL) and driving an 18 wheeler for King Transfer at night
• Renewing my Iowa High School Teachers Certificate
• Being a substitute high school teacher during the daytime
• Becoming the administrator and lead teacher at The Learning Center, a regional alternative high school in Onawa
• Becoming a beekeeper; producing and selling Loess Hills Prairie Honey
• Becoming a Loess Hills Hospitality Association Tour Guide
• Writing a local newspaper column: Work in Progress
• Convening a weekly writing group at the Onawa Library
• Becoming a participant and a facilitator at the Loess Hills Prairie Seminar
• Playing Bluegrass and Country music with several different bands—Keith and Mike, Carl, Don and Danielle, and Adair and crew
• Playing 50’ & 60’s music for dances with the Hansen Brothers Band; monthly in Dunlap at the Gold Slipper, sometimes in Blair, NE
• Joining Don ad Pat Lamb in their annual Sorghum Festival to make homemade sorghum and contributing the addition of the Cider Fest—homemade apple cider
• Finding a 'dance crowd' in Anthon/Sioux City/Ida Grove
• Opening the Homestead House as a B&B
• Hosting international interns at the B&B (Holland, Thailand, and Japan)
• Attending B&B gatherings; Western Iowa and statewide
• Joining Western Iowa Tourism Region
• Farming and getting Sustainable Agriculture Research and Education (SARE) grants for wetlands and managed grazing
• Joining Practical Farmers of Iowa, a statewide organization of farmers determined to practice sustainable agriculture, and having a statewide Managed Grazing Field Day
• Discovering we had native prairie and starting prairie restoration work days: seasonal celebrations and summer work-weeks
• Arranging to have a local high school intern to help in the recovery of our prairie
• Joining Iowa Prairie Network and connecting with prairie enthusiasts statewide
• Circulating in the ‘Protect-the-Loess Hills’ crowd in the mid to late 90's
• Discovering I was raising cattle for a hobby and selling the herd
• Becoming a Siouxland Barbershopper, singing in 3 different quartets, initiating 3 in-transit quartets, and recording a 1-man quartet
• Being hired by Iowa Natural Heritage Foundation to roam up and down the Loess Hills (West Coast) of Iowa and encourage protection of the Hills and prairie
• Assisting Mother and Dad in the completion of their lives
• Earning the National Park Services National Natural Landmark award for the Homestead
• Placing a Conservation Easement on the Homestead and selling it to Iowa Department of Natural Resources and Monona County Conservation Board
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Looking back is easier now than looking forward. Maybe I should write a book!

Here I am, in Carson City, getting settled again in a new home! Our house faces south. We have solar panels installed on the roof. The electric meter is having a hard time running forwards. We’re busy remodeling inside and transforming the yard from grass-that has-to-be-watered-so-it-can-be-mowed, to garden that produces food and flowers.

The challenge, of course, is surrendering all previous forms of identity, and engaging afresh in the task of creating a completely new identity. It’s an enormous task, but I am up to the task! I'm hoping to find some collegeality in Carson City that will assist me in the task.